The struggle

Sometimes my anxiety makes me worried over stupid things. Sometimes I doubt myself, my abilities, my intelligence, and my worth.

I can be happy one minute and then some little thing will upset me and make me angry and upset. I doubt myself even when I know I’m competent and capable.

I’ve ruined friendships because I worry so much about being liked. I overthink every social interaction and get surly and withdrawn when I feel like I’m being ignored or unappreciated.

This has been a hard year for me. I’ve been forced to take a good look at myself and my actions. I’ve covered up my anxiety for so long and I’ve been so afraid to admit that I’m struggling with it.

Finally have a doctor…

Well the long, exhaustive search is over! I’ve finally found a doctor (not the one I want, and it’s unknown if he’s LGBT friendly, but beggars can’t be choosers). So that’s the good news.

Bad news is that the earliest I can see my new doc is June 12th. This has, as it’s probably no surprise caused me some bit of anxiety. I have over a month of waiting and hoping that my new doc is going to be able to help me, and also hoping that he’s LGBT friendly and won’t be all “EWWW….A GAY! Get it away!”.

Why the heck is it so difficult in this day and age to find a good doctor? Why should LGBT people have to worry that their new doctor might be a bigot who doesn’t want to see them much less treat them? It makes no sense! It’s 2018 for crying out loud.



Anxiety and me

I’ve had anxiety issues my entire life, but for most of my life I’ve only suffered occasionally. In the last year though I’ve suffered two full blown panic attacks (one when I thought we weren’t going to be able to get financing on the new house, and another when just weeks after we moved to Oregon from Texas, Randy lost his job).

Let me tell you, there’s nothing quite as terrifying as a full on panic attack. Can’t catch my breath, heart beating out of control, feeling crushed…it’s no joke.

In the past meditation has been a great tool to re-center myself and cope with my anxiety, but lately it’s just not been very effective. It feels like with everything going on in the world, my job,  and my personal life that I’m getting diminishing returns on meditation.

I think it’s finally time that I seek help from a doctor. I’m tired of feeling like this all the time and making the people I care about miserable.