The opposite of bacon…

You know how bacon makes everything just a little better? Put it with anything and it’s just better, man I love bacon.

Yeah, I’m the opposite of bacon. I make everything just worse. Put me in any social situation and I’m going to be the person that everyone wishes wasn’t along. My best friends live in the UK and we barely see each other, and that I suspect is why they are still my friends…they don’t have to put up with me on a regular basis.

I need to figure out what is wrong with me before I chase everyone I love away. Hell, Randy took up golf again just to get some time away from me.

A little decompression time at the beach.


Took a little time today to decompress. Went to the beach in Lincoln City with Randy and our pug Ianto. It was nice getting away for a few hours and letting the ocean air take away some of the stress from the last week.

I’m still dealing with the fallout from last Wednesday, I don’t expect that’s going to go away overnight, but I’m doing the things I need to do to make myself better.

For now, I’m trying to stay away from the news (especially anything having to do with the orange buffoon in the Oval Office), and trying to do better at expressing my feelings when I’m having anxiety.

Dark places and turning on a light

Wednesday I was in a dark place and needed to go to the psychiatric crisis center. My anxiety and an argument with a loved one caused me to have a bit of a meltdown.

I have to admit that going to the PCC was kind of a scary idea for me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The staff was friendly and comforting. My councilor asked me why I was there and listened to me. When I finished talking she asked questions, made recommendations and just chatted with me. She reassured me that everyone needs a little help now and then.

Just because we find ourselves in the dark sometimes doesn’t mean we can’t turn on the lights. Don’t feel ashamed or afraid to see a mental health professional if you need help.

In Salem, OR:

Psychiatric Crisis Center (PCC)  503-585-4949


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

Work and Anxiety.

So work has been really stressful lately. The team I’m on has had some really bad dynamics lately. Two of my teammates are arguing over an asset and it’s gotten really tense.

The teammate that is supposed to be training me on the product line I’ve been put on, stormed out today. For a little while we all thought he quit and I nearly had a panic attack because I’m so lost on this product.

This damn anxiety is getting in the way of my job.

Relationships and Anxiety

Relationships are hard, even under the best of circumstances…throw anxiety on top of that and it’s enough to make you want to curl up in a ball and cry sometimes. This all gets even more tricky when you throw in a polyamorous relationship.

Yes, my husband and I have a poly relationship with another man. No, I won’t get into the details of the relationship, our partner isn’t out and it’s not anyone else’s business.

One thing I will say about our partner is that he has similar issues with anxiety that I do. This has made the relationship more challenging, but it has also given me a unique perspective on my own anxiety and what it does to both of my partners.

I’m learning really quickly how big a jerk I can be when I let my anxiety take over. How my insecurity causes issues in the relationship. I’m learning that I am a lot more jealous a person than I thought I was. That I can be petty and manipulative without even thinking about it at the time.

I need to be better so that I don’t ruin my relationships. My guys mean everything to me and I don’t want to be the reason things fall apart.

Despite the bald head, I’m not a supervillain.

Over the last couple months someone I care very much about has been little by little, bit by bit casting me as a villain. I care about this person a more than they could possibly know, but it hurts me to the core to think that they don’t trust me.

Can I be a jerk sometimes? Oh hell yes, the worst (I’m working on it, I really am). Am I frustrated and sullen sometimes? Again the answer is yes (and I’m working on it). Do I misread social cues? Yeah…all the time (I’m not good socially…but I’m working on it).  Am I a horn dog? Yeah, I like to flirt and I think open talk of sex is healthy. Would I ever cheat on my husband or a partner? No, I wouldn’t.

I’m not some hardened criminal genius. I’m a sometimes grumpy guy with anxiety who just wants to be loved by those I love. I’m easily upset and often wear my heart on my sleeve. I make mistakes all the time, but I try to learn from them and not make them again. I’d do anything for my loved ones.

Yes, I’m aware I look like a supervillain with my bald head and goatee, but I’m just too much of a goofy goody two shoes to play the villain. I’m not perfect, I’m just me.

The struggle part II

I woke up very early this morning and could not go back to sleep. I played a little Overwatch and couldn’t really get into it, so I worked on my website for a little while and now that I’ve finished that I decided that I wanted to write a little more about my topic from last night (if you haven’t seen it you can read it here: The struggle ) .

Anxiety for me is like being yanked out of the drivers seat and shoved into the back seat. Rational me sees everything that’s going on while Anxiety Eric is at the wheel. Anxiety Eric is a jerk…and a poor driver. He gets mad at little things that go wrong, he slows down when he should be keeping up with the flow, sometimes he stops the car in the middle of the freeway and won’t move (obviously I’m speaking metaphorically…I’m a good driver and would never stop in the middle of the freeway).

It’s difficult for me to watch myself get frustrated and angry about things that I know I shouldn’t. Sometimes just the way someone says something to me starts my brain to overthinking. I start to wonder, “Did that person mean this or that? Are they annoyed with me when all I was trying to do is be helpful? Did I say or do something to make that person think I don’t like them? Did I say something insensitive and not realize it? Maybe I should just never talk to them again. Maybe they’ve been trying to make me look like a fool. Should I be angry with them for saying that? What if they were just joking? What if they weren’t? Should I apologize even though I’m not sure I did anything wrong? Was I being bossy? Am I letting this person walk all over me cause I really just want them to like me?”…all this and more is streaming through my head every time my anxiety kicks in.

Growing up I had very low self esteem. I was meek, easily intimidated, quiet, and kept to myself. Being gay in a rural desert town with no resources and not knowing anyone else who was also gay, I stayed in the closet. I took Karate classes to learn to at least defend myself and I began to come out of my shell a little. When I hit 23 I decided I needed to do something to escape my little hometown hell and joined the USAF. I came out of my shell a little more, but I struggled a lot with my anxiety. When I came out to my parents it was a disaster. A couple years later when I met my husband Randy and left the Air Force to stay with him, my parents flipped out even more. While my parent’s have since accepted Randy as part of the family, they never came to our commitment ceremony or years later to our wedding when gay marriage was legalized.

Meeting Randy was the best thing that could have happened to me. He’s patient with me (though I push that a little too far on occasion). For quite some time I’ve been able to keep my anxiety in check because of the support Randy gives me. Recently though, I’ve been made aware that I’m sometimes very rude to Randy and it makes him and our family and friends uncomfortable.

I’d like to be able to blame this all on the stress I’ve been feeling lately; the Trump election, the move, the new job, living in a new area where we haven’t established very many social connections. Sure these things contribute to my anxiety, but I’ve also been to blame for not seeking help when I knew I needed it. Admitting that you have problems is hard, even harder when you always try to project being tough and in control.

I have anxiety and I need help. I’ve put myself on the path to healing and I want to get better. To everyone who my anxiety has affected, I’m sorry and I hope you can forgive me. To the most important people in my life, I love you.

The struggle

Sometimes my anxiety makes me worried over stupid things. Sometimes I doubt myself, my abilities, my intelligence, and my worth.

I can be happy one minute and then some little thing will upset me and make me angry and upset. I doubt myself even when I know I’m competent and capable.

I’ve ruined friendships because I worry so much about being liked. I overthink every social interaction and get surly and withdrawn when I feel like I’m being ignored or unappreciated.

This has been a hard year for me. I’ve been forced to take a good look at myself and my actions. I’ve covered up my anxiety for so long and I’ve been so afraid to admit that I’m struggling with it.

Finally have a doctor…

Well the long, exhaustive search is over! I’ve finally found a doctor (not the one I want, and it’s unknown if he’s LGBT friendly, but beggars can’t be choosers). So that’s the good news.

Bad news is that the earliest I can see my new doc is June 12th. This has, as it’s probably no surprise caused me some bit of anxiety. I have over a month of waiting and hoping that my new doc is going to be able to help me, and also hoping that he’s LGBT friendly and won’t be all “EWWW….A GAY! Get it away!”.

Why the heck is it so difficult in this day and age to find a good doctor? Why should LGBT people have to worry that their new doctor might be a bigot who doesn’t want to see them much less treat them? It makes no sense! It’s 2018 for crying out loud.



Finding a LGBT friendly doctor in Salem

So far finding a LGBT friendly doctor in Salem is much tougher than I expected. Turns out there is only one listed on the GLMA website for Salem, and she isn’t accepting new patients. A friend recommended a gay doc they know, but he’s not accepting new patients either.

I’ve gone so far as contacting the GLMA via twitter and email. Not a peep from them. Funny how the organization that is supposed to help LGBT people find a doctor can’t return an email.

This has been a very trying week…and it’s not looking like it’s going to get any easier.