So work has been really stressful lately. The team I’m on has had some really bad dynamics lately. Two of my teammates are arguing over an asset and it’s gotten really tense.

The teammate that is supposed to be training me on the product line I’ve been put on, stormed out today. For a little while we all thought he quit and I nearly had a panic attack because I’m so lost on this product.

This damn anxiety is getting in the way of my job.

Relationships are hard, even under the best of circumstances…throw anxiety on top of that and it’s enough to make you want to curl up in a ball and cry sometimes. This all gets even more tricky when you throw in a polyamorous relationship.

Yes, my husband and I have a poly relationship with another man. No, I won’t get into the details of the relationship, our partner isn’t out and it’s not anyone else’s business.

One thing I will say about our partner is that he has similar issues with anxiety that I do. This has made the relationship more challenging, but it has also given me a unique perspective on my own anxiety and what it does to both of my partners.

I’m learning really quickly how big a jerk I can be when I let my anxiety take over. How my insecurity causes issues in the relationship. I’m learning that I am a lot more jealous a person than I thought I was. That I can be petty and manipulative without even thinking about it at the time.

I need to be better so that I don’t ruin my relationships. My guys mean everything to me and I don’t want to be the reason things fall apart.

Over the last couple months someone I care very much about has been little by little, bit by bit casting me as a villain. I care about this person a more than they could possibly know, but it hurts me to the core to think that they don’t trust me.

Can I be a jerk sometimes? Oh hell yes, the worst (I’m working on it, I really am). Am I frustrated and sullen sometimes? Again the answer is yes (and I’m working on it). Do I misread social cues? Yeah…all the time (I’m not good socially…but I’m working on it).  Am I a horn dog? Yeah, I like to flirt and I think open talk of sex is healthy. Would I ever cheat on my husband or a partner? No, I wouldn’t.

I’m not some hardened criminal genius. I’m a sometimes grumpy guy with anxiety who just wants to be loved by those I love. I’m easily upset and often wear my heart on my sleeve. I make mistakes all the time, but I try to learn from them and not make them again. I’d do anything for my loved ones.

Yes, I’m aware I look like a supervillain with my bald head and goatee, but I’m just too much of a goofy goody two shoes to play the villain. I’m not perfect, I’m just me.

I woke up very early this morning and could not go back to sleep. I played a little Overwatch and couldn’t really get into it, so I worked on my website for a little while and now that I’ve finished that I decided that I wanted to write a little more about my topic from last night (if you haven’t seen it you can read it here: The struggle ) .

Anxiety for me is like being yanked out of the drivers seat and shoved into the back seat. Rational me sees everything that’s going on while Anxiety Eric is at the wheel. Anxiety Eric is a jerk…and a poor driver. He gets mad at little things that go wrong, he slows down when he should be keeping up with the flow, sometimes he stops the car in the middle of the freeway and won’t move (obviously I’m speaking metaphorically…I’m a good driver and would never stop in the middle of the freeway).

It’s difficult for me to watch myself get frustrated and angry about things that I know I shouldn’t. Sometimes just the way someone says something to me starts my brain to overthinking. I start to wonder, “Did that person mean this or that? Are they annoyed with me when all I was trying to do is be helpful? Did I say or do something to make that person think I don’t like them? Did I say something insensitive and not realize it? Maybe I should just never talk to them again. Maybe they’ve been trying to make me look like a fool. Should I be angry with them for saying that? What if they were just joking? What if they weren’t? Should I apologize even though I’m not sure I did anything wrong? Was I being bossy? Am I letting this person walk all over me cause I really just want them to like me?”…all this and more is streaming through my head every time my anxiety kicks in.

Growing up I had very low self esteem. I was meek, easily intimidated, quiet, and kept to myself. Being gay in a rural desert town with no resources and not knowing anyone else who was also gay, I stayed in the closet. I took Karate classes to learn to at least defend myself and I began to come out of my shell a little. When I hit 23 I decided I needed to do something to escape my little hometown hell and joined the USAF. I came out of my shell a little more, but I struggled a lot with my anxiety. When I came out to my parents it was a disaster. A couple years later when I met my husband Randy and left the Air Force to stay with him, my parents flipped out even more. While my parent’s have since accepted Randy as part of the family, they never came to our commitment ceremony or years later to our wedding when gay marriage was legalized.

Meeting Randy was the best thing that could have happened to me. He’s patient with me (though I push that a little too far on occasion). For quite some time I’ve been able to keep my anxiety in check because of the support Randy gives me. Recently though, I’ve been made aware that I’m sometimes very rude to Randy and it makes him and our family and friends uncomfortable.

I’d like to be able to blame this all on the stress I’ve been feeling lately; the Trump election, the move, the new job, living in a new area where we haven’t established very many social connections. Sure these things contribute to my anxiety, but I’ve also been to blame for not seeking help when I knew I needed it. Admitting that you have problems is hard, even harder when you always try to project being tough and in control.

I have anxiety and I need help. I’ve put myself on the path to healing and I want to get better. To everyone who my anxiety has affected, I’m sorry and I hope you can forgive me. To the most important people in my life, I love you.

Sometimes my anxiety makes me worried over stupid things. Sometimes I doubt myself, my abilities, my intelligence, and my worth.

I can be happy one minute and then some little thing will upset me and make me angry and upset. I doubt myself even when I know I’m competent and capable.

I’ve ruined friendships because I worry so much about being liked. I overthink every social interaction and get surly and withdrawn when I feel like I’m being ignored or unappreciated.

This has been a hard year for me. I’ve been forced to take a good look at myself and my actions. I’ve covered up my anxiety for so long and I’ve been so afraid to admit that I’m struggling with it.

Well the long, exhaustive search is over! I’ve finally found a doctor (not the one I want, and it’s unknown if he’s LGBT friendly, but beggars can’t be choosers). So that’s the good news.

Bad news is that the earliest I can see my new doc is June 12th. This has, as it’s probably no surprise caused me some bit of anxiety. I have over a month of waiting and hoping that my new doc is going to be able to help me, and also hoping that he’s LGBT friendly and won’t be all “EWWW….A GAY! Get it away!”.

Why the heck is it so difficult in this day and age to find a good doctor? Why should LGBT people have to worry that their new doctor might be a bigot who doesn’t want to see them much less treat them? It makes no sense! It’s 2018 for crying out loud.

 

 

So far finding a LGBT friendly doctor in Salem is much tougher than I expected. Turns out there is only one listed on the GLMA website for Salem, and she isn’t accepting new patients. A friend recommended a gay doc they know, but he’s not accepting new patients either.

I’ve gone so far as contacting the GLMA via twitter and email. Not a peep from them. Funny how the organization that is supposed to help LGBT people find a doctor can’t return an email.

This has been a very trying week…and it’s not looking like it’s going to get any easier.

I’ve had anxiety issues my entire life, but for most of my life I’ve only suffered occasionally. In the last year though I’ve suffered two full blown panic attacks (one when I thought we weren’t going to be able to get financing on the new house, and another when just weeks after we moved to Oregon from Texas, Randy lost his job).

Let me tell you, there’s nothing quite as terrifying as a full on panic attack. Can’t catch my breath, heart beating out of control, feeling crushed…it’s no joke.

In the past meditation has been a great tool to re-center myself and cope with my anxiety, but lately it’s just not been very effective. It feels like with everything going on in the world, my job,  and my personal life that I’m getting diminishing returns on meditation.

I think it’s finally time that I seek help from a doctor. I’m tired of feeling like this all the time and making the people I care about miserable.

So starting off, I changed the look of the site. I hope everyone likes it…and if you don’t too bad cause I do.

I’m going to attempt to get back to posting on a more regular basis (hopefully daily). I’ve had some things going on and needed a break.

Been a while dear readers. I’ve been busy with overtime, getting used to living in a new state, a terrible bout with kidney stones that required surgery, and many of the everyday things that we all deal with.

Trump and company just keep up with the evil super villain plans. I honestly never thought that they would so blatantly and gleefully do things to hurt the American people like they have. It’s been one thing after another, every day some new turd laid on the carpet that is our country.

Here’s hoping that 2018 brings more convictions from Mueller, a wave victory for Democrats in both houses, and a resignation from the orange moron residing in the Oval Office.